"Lookee my new pickup truck...!"

...is what I could be saying next month, if I'm guessing correctly at my wife's birthday plans for me. Shhh! Don't let her know that I'm on to her surprise...



This, friends, is a Terex I Unit Rig MT 5500. The seriousness of the name alone should be enough to send your average jacked-up 4X4 scampering away to Off Road Warehouse for some serious parts upgrades. Most people wouldn't consider me a pickup truck type, but I have to admit that they'd occasionally be useful for hauling brush and trips to Menard's.

With a 720,000 pound capacity, there isn't much that this puppy won't haul--including a parted-out Boeing 747-400, should the need arise. It also features "tailgate protection to protect the operator in the event of a truck collision," although I wouldn't expect any real damage to occur from a collision with anything less than another Terex I Unit Rig MT 5500. I also wouldn't suspect one would even notice that they'd been involved in a collision with a tractor-trailer, M1 Abrams, the local Wal-Mart, or any other less substantial object.

And the engine? Oooh, the engine!



It's a Cummins QSK60 16 cylinder, 4 stroke diesel with two-stage turbocharging. Its 3,672 cubic inches pump out 2,700 brake horsepower and 8000 foot-pounds of torque at a loafy 1500 RPM. Sure, someone will try to one-up me by shoehorning the 3,500 HP QSK78 into theirs, but I'm not getting this truck out of any sense of one-upmanship. No sir/ma'am: Escalades and Excursions are nice, but would you really want to shovel grass and rocks into one? This truck is a necessity. The fact that it's a two-seater seems to be its only limitation. Call me if you need to borrow it!

Someone has a birthday coming up...

This would make a great present for someone (shipping guaranteed by June 28th):



According to the Wicked Lasers website, this little puppy can:

-Make holes in black trash bags.
-Cut black electrical tape.
-Ignite wooden or paper matches.
-Pop dark colored balloons.
-Melt plastic.
-Light cigars and cigarettes.
-It also has something called "Open-cut healing power" (??)

All this, a 120 nautical mile range, and a six month warranty, could be mine for only $3,499.

No sir/ma'am, this isn't your basic laser pointer. It could probably be used as a pointer, particularly if one has a need to point through someone who happens to be blocking the board.

I'll be offering free laser eye surgery and electrolysis for anyone who helps me get my mitts on one. I promise to use it only for good; not for evil. If the Fox News satellite happened to spontaneously vaporize one night at the same moment I light up a smoke on the deck, I'm sure it would be purely coincidental.

Illinois Compiled Statutes lesson...

Most who know me are probably aware that a huge pet peeve of mine is the inconsideration of drivers shown towards others on the road. My wife would testify that I've been guilty of this in the past, myself; however, riding a motorcycle has instilled in my an almost Zen-like calm. Knowing that a bike won't win in a vehicular fight, coupled with the anticipation that people are bound to do stupid things in vehicles, has defitely made me a calmer, safer rider and driver.

I'll admit to a slightly unsafe attitude towards speeding. I'm not a racer-boy, dicing through city streets on the back wheel, but I do use the speed cushion of my bike as part of a (and I'm sure this is arguable) self-preservation technique. Zipping past trucks on the interstate minimizes my exposure to blown retreads; zipping past everyone else minimizes my exposure to the average cel phone-talking, Big Mac-stuffing, inattentive driver. I've been chided by a coworker for signaling a turn into a parking spot in a lot; you can bet that I (at least) always let those around me know my intentions.

Habits that are certain to piss me off, and that I chock up to the me-first mentality are (but are not limited to) the following: people who don't signal (or don't signal correctly); people who don't turn into the nearest legal lane after proceeding through an intersection; people who block traffic in the left lane; and people who drive with their lights off in the rain. The Illinois Compiled Statutes covers each of these infractions:

Turn signals. "A signal of intention to turn right or left when required must be given continuously during not less than the last 100 feet traveled by the vehicle before turning within a business or residence district, and such signal must be given continuously during not less than the last 200 feet traveled by the vehicle before turning outside a business or residence district. No person may stop or suddenly decrease the speed of a vehicle without first giving an appropriate signal in the manner provided in this Chapter to the driver of any vehicle immediately to the rear when there is opportunity to give such a signal." Also, from the "Rules Of The Road," "When moving your vehicle from the right-hand lane to the left-hand lane, turn your head to check traffic behind you and on your left. Give the left turn signal, then carefully move into the left lane. When moving your vehicle from the left-hand lane to the right-hand lane, turn your head to check traffic behind you and on your right. Give the right turn signal, then carefully move into the right lane.

Turning into the nearest legal lane. "The driver of a vehicle intending to turn left at any intersection shall approach the intersection in the extreme left‑hand lane lawfully available to traffic moving in the direction of travel of such vehicle, and after entering the intersection, the left turn shall be made so as to leave the intersection in a lane lawfully available to traffic moving in such direction upon the roadway being entered. Whenever practicable the left turn shall be made in that portion of the intersection to the left of the center of the intersection."

Blocking the right lane on an interstate. "Upon an Interstate highway or fully access controlled freeway, a vehicle may not be driven in the left lane, except when overtaking and passing another vehicle." This does not apply "when no other vehicle is directly behind the vehicle in the left lane."

Headlight use during periods of precipitation. "All other motor vehicles (except motorcycles) shall exhibit at least 2 lighted head lamps, with at least one on each side of the front of the vehicle, which satisfy United States Department of Transportation requirements, showing white lights, including that emitted by high intensity discharge (HID) lamps, or lights of a yellow or amber tint, during the period from sunset to sunrise, at times when rain, snow, fog, or other atmospheric conditions require the use of windshield wipers, and at any other times when, due to insufficient light or unfavorable atmospheric conditions, persons and vehicles on the highway are not clearly discernible at a distance of 1000 feet. Parking lamps may be used in addition to but not in lieu of such head lamps." I don't care if you can see the roadway in the rain. When your rooster tail blends in with heavy precipitation, it concerns me.

Let's be considerate out there, o.k.? And please--keep an eye out for motorcyclists.

Food is good.

All this blogging about ice cream and being a fat kid is making me hungry. On second thought, I guess it's possible that I was hungry when I wrote about ice cream and being a fat kid. At any rate, I know that my wife worries about my eating habits when I'm on these Oklahoma journeys. I thought I'd detail for her and your reading enjoyment exactly what provisions I have left to last me through Tuesday. Uncle Sam (that is, you, the taxpayer) provides me with a healthy sum of money for per diem on these visits, but the less I spend (the more crap food I eat), the more I have to spend on good food and booze back home.

1 small can of Chef Boyardee Spaghetto-O's (tonight's dinner)
1 can of Campbell's Select Chicken with Egg Noodles (tomorrow's lunch)
1 can of Campbell's Select Italian Wedding (Tuesday's lunch)
1 can of Campbell's Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder (tomorrow's dinner)
1 can of Campbell's Hearty Bean and Ham (Tuesday's dinner)
4 Dole Peaches and Cream cups (one each for M/T lunch and dinner)
1 pound of peeled baby-cut carrots
Marzetti's Bacon Ranch dressing (for above carrots)
half a box of Post Great Grains cereal (Wednesday's breakfast--can't fly at 6:30am
on an empty stomach)
1/2 bag of Dorito's Nacho Cheese chips
1/2 bag of Dorito's Taco chips
1/2 gallon of 2% milk
1/2 gallon of Simply Lemonade
1/2 pint Häagen-Dazs® strawberry ice cream

Et voila! Bon appetit!

Fat kids need to fight dirtier...

From HealthDay News:

"Overweight kids who could benefit from sports and regular exercise are often discouraged from doing so by taunts and bullying, a U.S. study finds.
(snip)
"We found that as rates of peer victimization among overweight kids went up, rates of physical activity went down," lead author Eric Storch, assistant professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Florida, Gainesville, said in a prepared statement.
(snip)
Not only does bullying make overweight children want to avoid gym class, sports or other situations where they face ridicule, it also can lead to depressed feelings that keep these children from wanting to take part in activities.

"When you think about it, it makes intuitive sense, when you consider the hallmark signs of depression -- sadness, fatigue, lack of interest in things you used to like," Storch noted. "When kids are having a tough time with peers, and struggling with depression, then this can translate to reduced rates of physical activity."

Really? I thought bullying was what made kids dress in black, bring weapons to school, and grow up to be Republicans. Seriously, as a former fat kid, I can't recall being taunted and beaten for looking different when I was in school. There was certainly no distinction made by a P.E. coach between fatties and athletic types when it came to "dressing out," although there may have been a hint of the prison-esque, pick-a-fight-with-the-biggest-guy-in-the-joint mentality present. In the good old '80s, all a fat, uncoordinated kid had to do to win peer respect was to flail about using all arms and legs on whatever upperclassman was unfortunate enough to have picked a fight. To borrow a term from Erik The Viking, being known as a "berserker" may not have won one many friends, but it certainly didn't win many enemies. Pulling sock caps over faces to precede a punch, smashing faces of people on lower levels of the gym bleachers (thus forcing the smashee to calculate the risks of fighting back vs. the risk of tumbling thirty feet to the gym floor) are both effective fighting tactics to be employed by today's modern fat (sorry--is that not PC? Caloric Intake Abatement Challenged? Gland-induced Appetite Insatiable?) kid. These tactics are best utilized if one puts down the PSP from the one hand and discards the Krispy Kreme and/or Big Gulp that one is slopping on from the other.

Ah...High School Sports Memories.

Shameless plug...

What do you get when you combine cream, strawberries, sugar, skim milk, and egg yolks? If you're in the majority of supermarket ice cream providers, you end up with a good "base" from which to create strawberry ice cream. If you're Häagen-Dazs®, on the other hand, you end up with...well, Häagen-Dazs® strawberry ice cream. One could argue that it's missing a tasty white rum, whipped cream, and a hot summer's day pool to enjoy it by, but it's pretty delicious as is.

If you look on the back of a Häagen-Dazs® pint container, you won't find ingredients listed such as mono- and diglycerides, polysorbate-60, acetone, rattus norvegicus, or any other chemical, fusion reactor byproduct, or circus animal derivative not normally associated with ice cream or its enjoyment. If there is a drawback to Häagen-Dazs®, it's that it does seem quite a bit more expensive per unit than other supermarket brands. I would assume it to be more costly to boil a hoof down to a diglyceride than to get another squirt of pre-cream from a cow's teat, but what do I know?

Do I believe that I'm shortening my lifespan by occasionally partaking of this wholesome, natural treat? Nah. At the very least, by eating these natural ice creams (I'd include Ben & Jerry's in this short list if I liked their flavors) I, and you, will make those in the funeral industry earn their exhorbitant fees by forcing them to actually use the expensive chemicals they claim to use during the preservation process. Years ago, I read that due to the inclusion of preservatives into just about every packaged food that we buy, the average body can sit in the sun for 30 days or so before decomposition sets in (I could be wrong on that figure; whatever, it's considerably longer today than it was in the 1940's). A not insignificant side benefit of eating more organic ice creams will be the lessening of our dependence on petrochemical byproducts, leading to a reduction in our dependence on foreign oil.

(Geez...how did my happy ice-creamed filled thoughts turn so negative, so quickly?)

Just remember to eat plenty of real butter, as many organically-grown and fattened foods as you can afford, and lots of Häagen-Dazs® ice cream!